Thailand, January 19, 2010
The white devil has turned Phi Phi island into a proper rat hole. The island was majestic enough to film "The Beach" with Leo DiCaprio. But the word got out, and is now overtaken by drunk white frat guys gulping down red bull vodka out of buckets. Vanessa (gf at the time) and I head to Krabi, a small poor coastal town. We stumble upon a bar with some Thai musicians covering American rock n' roll. We find out that the band for the night makes 3,000 baht ($90) split 5 ways. They are also under contract exclusive contract with the bar to play no where else. Thailand is not the place for aspiring musicians.
We try to catch up on some sleep, but become awoken in the night when a British couple next door goes into a domestic disturbance rage (beyond anything I saw in the Vince Vaughn/John Travolta film). The fight goes as follows (in British accents)...
Woman: Give me the god damn key Hector!
Hector: no.
(Scuffle with loud screams and thuds)
Woman: Now look what you've done! You have a bloody nose!
(Hector crying, more scuffling and the loudest screaming i've ever heard)
Woman: You turned me into a physco!!!!! You knocked out my tooth and I forgave you! You make me want to kill myself! Get out of my life!
-END SCENE-
After the domestic, I awake in the morning to a pounding headache, chills, and body aches. I decide to ride it out, but do not improve after 2 days. We go to the hospital, a small Muslim medical building in little Krabi town. No one speaks English. Arabic pours out of the loudspeakers around the hospital yard.
I see the doctor who looks like an Asian Fred Savage. I explain my symptoms. He explains in broken english that may I have "Linky Fever", a DEADLY mosquito transmitted disease. He barely speaks English and the only words he seems to know are "Disease", "Permanent", and "dead"...
Doc: "You have symptom Linky Fever. It make you dead." (He looks terrified when he speaks)
I freak. My eyes roll back in my head and I pass out from dehydration. They take me backstage to the lab where chicks in shalls are pouring blood into vials, I immediately think of Val Kilmer in "Island of Dr. Moroeu", where Kilmer breeds humans with hyenias for Marlon Brando's twisted viewing pleasure. I get some blood work done. They keep me overnight and give me strange medicines, which I decide to take, giving me bizarre vivid dreams, unlike anything i've experienced. Dreams such as....
I'm bar hopping with Danny DeVito, having great time until he gets hit by a mountain bike crossing the road & explodes, END OF DREAM.
We check out in the morning after I feel a bit better and my blood work shows no deadly disease. We get to a hotel. I continue to feel weak and headachy for days (symptoms like Mono). We fly to Bangkok and go to the best hospital in Thailand where they draw more blood and determine I do not have linky fever, denge fever, or AIDS, just a giant case of being a pussy. Turns out I have a nasty viral infection/flu.
So after 7 wasted days, I am attempting to shake off this curse and make it to Cambodia with Vanessa. She has spent her whole trip taking care of me in hospitals and hotels. I am in great debt to her. We'll salvage these last few days and hope the fun-meter explodes.
When we landed in Managua she introduced me to her giant family and they put me in their economy sized white van with 6 kids, 3 grandmas, and a few random uncles and aunts. I busted out the shoddy guitar I brought and we sang through ¨´I wanna Hold Your Hand´¨ by the Beatles. The van was driven by this intimidating dude we called ¨´the GODFATHER´, who drove us to his brothers house (Uncle Sanchez) becuase Sanchez too played guitar and wanted to shred some ´¨Juan Bon Jovi´´ with this goofy American. I pretended to like Bon Jovi and sang along with Sanchez. His English was broken, which made ´Living on a Prayer´ way better than the original version. We exchanged hugs and the Godfather dropped me at the Hostel.
